8 Comments

Grand Theft Auto V blamed for mayoral rampage

Isabel Hunter, Mayor of Berwick

Two people were left for dead and another with injured feelings after Isabel Hunter, Mayor of Berwick, went on a “sustained and remorseless” rampage after being influenced by the controversial video game, Grand Theft Auto V.

It is alleged that the Lib Dem councillor — who has been likened to a more mature Georgia Jagger — took exception to fellow Borders town Hawick being linked to the open world action-adventure game.

A source within the Town Council, who didn’t wish to be named, said: “We had just finished tut-tutting about the youth of today and were moving on to the next point on our agenda, when someone brought up the subject of Grand Theft Auto V. Then all hell broke loose.”

“It was very distressing,” said attractive secretary, Kathyrn Janeway, 24. “Ms Hunter picked up a can of Irn Bru and threw it at my head. If a man had thrown that, it could have hit me. I’m just grateful I don’t have kids because I was facing the real possibility of never seeing them again.”

It is further alleged that Hunter knocked some paper on the floor and advanced on Sheriff Richardson, waving a coaster. The shaken official — bearing a striking resemblance to a charming Irish tarmac worker whom women should stay away from — said: “It was like something you see in the movies. She was a woman possessed. When I winked ‘Cheer up, luv, it may never happen’, her head actually spun 360 degrees.” The builder added: “I may have imagined that. But she definitely looked hot. Phwoar.”

Hunter then seized the keys to her Vauxhall Zafira and promptly left the Town Council’s Chandlery offices.

“There was no doubt in my mind that she had lost control,” said freelance witness Benjamin Sisko following a quayside encounter with Hunter. “For a start she was walking quite fast. And when she said ‘Excuse me’ I didn’t feel that she really meant it.”

CCTV footage then shows Hunter speeding away up Hide Hill recklessly swerving to avoid seagulls and nearly clipping several wing mirrors.

“It was terrifying,” said pensioner Miles O’Brien, who was being comforted by family after the ordeal. “My wife and I were dithering at the bottom of Church Street as normal, trying to make up our minds whether or not to cross on to Marygate, when this silver people carrier simply turned in front of us. I couldn’t believe it. My wife suffers from athlete’s foot. If that car had been travelling any faster I dread to think what could have happened.”

From this point it seems events took an even more sinister turn. In a chilling echo of Grand Theft Auto V’s gameplay, it’s alleged that Hunter entered Leaf Jewellery at the top of Marygate and demanded to see their Pandora collection, as championed by kooky American actress, Zooey Deschanel. Early reports suggest that Hunter held a necklace — worth an eye-watering £40 — to her throat before coolly paying for it via Visa Electron and leaving.

Store manager Beverly Crusher said: “She was looking for something to express her individuality so I suggested combining a trace chain with an s-lock and a decorative clip from our ‘Moments’ range, to which she agreed. My blood ran cold. I didn’t know if I was going to get out alive.”

Hunter was finally apprehended by an armed response unit as she returned to her vehicle, from which police later seized an unopened pack of Duracell Plus Power AAA batteries. Senior detectives on the case believe that Hunter planned to carry out a torture mission inspired by the notorious video game that involves electrocution.

Hunter will undergo psychiatric evaluation.

Deputy Mayor Georgina Hill defended her colleague. “I think when the dust finally settles, people will see this incident for what it is — namely an espresso on top of too much menopause.”

“When Isabel heard that Grand Auto creators Rockstar North had awarded the title of ‘druggie hipster district’ to Hawick, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back; it seems a kick in the teeth for Prior Park, which has made great strides in this area in recent years. While it’s wonderful that Berwick won £100,000 as part of the Mary Portas Pilots scheme, it’s kind of small potatoes compared to a share of the multi-million pound gravy train that is video game violence.”

Ms Hill went on to say: “If adults believe what they see on screen is real, then I’ve had sex with Patrick Swayze and can dance the merengue.”

grand theft auto

Advertisements

8 comments on “Grand Theft Auto V blamed for mayoral rampage

  1. You just get better and better and better. Side splitting superb writing. Did not think you could up your game from last week! Brilliant.

  2. Bloody funny stuff. Love it!

  3. Superb. Particularly fond of the ‘freelance witness’.

  4. This whole article is a travesty of mis-reporting! I have learned from an un-named insider, (probably that John Robertson, you know what gingers are like,) that the reason coun. hunter lost the plot was because the aforesaid diddicoy sheriff called her Mr. Mayor in a condescending manner once too often. While this may be correct protocol, it is an affront to feminists everywhere in this day and age, and just because our town is still living in the 1850’s, that is no excuse for taking a Victorian approach to women’s suffrage.
    Bring back national service, I say!
    Yours, disgruntled, etc. etc.

    • Oh dear, Mrs Stewart — forgive me if that is not the accepted form of address — I would refer you to the ‘News’ page where it states that all members of staff hold an FA(Hons) in journalism. It’s only with the help of better informed contributors like you that gives this publication a stab at credibility.

      I am forever in your debt.

      Chastity

Drop us a line, we'd love to hear from you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: