ARCH unmasked as secret terrorist organisation

Picture of earth from spaceA shadowy development company set up by Northumberland County Council to oversee the non-spending of the Berwick Town Team is in fact a criminal organisation striving for global domination, it is claimed.

Commander Edward Sutherland-Loveday, former MI6 agent, believes that the “arm’s-length” company A.R.C.H.  (Alliance for Anarchy, Revenge, Counter-Intelligence & Haltwhistle) is operating from a disused volcano beneath the old William Cowe buildings on Bridge Street in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

In an explosive interview published in The Berwick Advertiser last week, he claims to have seen documents which show that A.R.C.H. has been extorting money from Northumberland County Council in order to provoke war between the United States of America and Russia. He goes on to allege that the company has amassed £11.75 million of taxpayer’s money to put down as a deposit on a new British Empire with Ashington as its centre of power.

While Commander Sutherland-Loveday’s comments have been dismissed by Northumberland County Council as: “The rambling conspiracy theories of someone who uses a hyphen to form a compound adjective irregardless of the presence of an adverb,” unease about the nature of A.R.C.H. and its relationship with the Council is growing.

An unnamed source from the local authority’s accounts department, Tilly Masterson, said: “I was running through the monthly expense claims, you know, as you do, when one struck me as a little bit odd. And I’m not talking fat prostitute odd, if you know what I mean. I went to my boss, Steve, to query it. He looked a bit sweaty but said it was fine, just pay it. So I did.”

When asked what the expense claim was for, Ms Masterson replied: “A plutonium implosion-type fission bomb.”

Further, the disappearance of Eyemouth student Felix Leiter back in March has been linked to a screen grab taken from the A.R.C.H. website and sent anonymously to Chris Hardie, Chairman of the Berwick Town Team.

Screengrab of Arch mission statement

The damning screen grab

In a disturbing series of bullet points, it seems to suggest that A.R.C.H. plans to remodel Berwick Bridge so that it retracts, introduce sharks to the Tweed, champion the mandarin collar and bring about a budget-conscious bid for world domination.

The page has since been removed and replaced with a picture of a kitten.

A.R.C.H. has also been caught several times on the radar of the Equality & Human Rights Commission and subsequently questioned over the high percentage of its female staff who are adept at crushing enemies between their thighs while remaining emotionally vulnerable. The all-male board insist that this is nothing more than a statistical blip and falls well within Government guidelines.

That the enigmatic business is suffering from an image problem is clear. When doting grandmother Rosa Klebb was asked what A.R.C.H. meant to her, she replied: “Is that short for arch-enemy?”

And Nick Nack, a dwarf thrower from Cornhill-on-Tweed, suggested: “Arch-criminal? Arch-foe? I can’t decide but definitely something not good, involving lasers and tears of blood. Yikes.”

When pressed to clarify his company’s role, A.R.C.H. Group Managing Director Peter McIntyre had this to say:

“Listen, all is very simple. We promote and nurture ideology of spending vast sums on inward investment, yes? In layman’s terms this is meaning supporting theoretical projects against background of indefinable parameters. Put another way, we are helping to create idea of prosperous, creative and intangible growth, yes, within an imaginary context, to be bearing in mind the economic and regenerative powers of air adjustment and the subsequent impact on unicorns.” He thought for a moment before admitting: “Is something of… how you say, balancing act.”

So A.R.C.H. has no criminal intentions, no nefarious plot to plunge the world into a nuclear winter from its secret headquarters in a basement volcano?

Peter McIntyre looking like Blofeld

“Ridiculous! No, certainly not or my name is not Dr Zorin. I am meaning Peter McIntyre of course, yes.”

But does he understand how his company’s low visibility, behind-the-scenes activities and deep — some would say incestuous — relationship with the Council is prompting people to talk?

“Not really. I don’t expect people to talk, I expect them to die! Mwahahaha!”

He added: “This is a joke. Is why I’m laughing. You get that, yes? Now get off my cat.”


10 comments on “ARCH unmasked as secret terrorist organisation

  1. The only reason they got the disused volcano is the business rates are so high that only super villain organisations can afford them. That and the fact that planning permission for one of *those* kind of saunas, put forward by a consortium of 2nd hand gold merchants, was turned down because of concerns over the impact it might have on sixth form school attendance.

    • Is it wrong of me to feel sad Berwick isn’t getting one of *those* kind of saunas?


      • It would have given us another cafe to try. Berwick has such a shortage. In fact, if it had a hairdresser in there too, it would have become utterly indispensable. Not to mention the likely increase in ships using the port facilities.

      • You’re right. It could be the boost to the quayside the town is looking for. You should join a committee or something, Berwick does have a lot of them.


  2. I suspect some of this report is less than factual. To quote an interview from someone in an organisation such as ARCH and not use the word ‘paradigm’ in the quote smells pretty fishy to me.
    Also, I’ve known Nick Nack for years, he is a dwarf tosser, not a dwarf thrower, treat anything he tells you with a pinch of herb flavoured sea condiment.

    • I shall duly take note, although the long and short of it is I understood that he’s trying to make it as a high-class tosser, hence the rebrand.

      And less than factual? I’ve heard some people say you couldn’t make the state of our local politics up.


  3. Your expose is tremendous. Of course it is only due to the current lack of underclothing on sale in Berwick. Vested interests are currently walking around un-vested, which would be great if they were top babes from serious porn mags like “Zoo” and “Nuts”. Unfortunately in our case they are just local “worthies” taking a bit of funding to enjoy themselves. Berwick Community Development Trust, a retirement home for failed public servants, is currently “reviewing” the situation…because they haven’t had too many free nosh-ups, drink-ups, or even quiet committee meetings with a chilled glass of Sancerre recently. The “hugely successful” film festival has delivered some stats….apparently 3 more people came to Berwick that week, the body weight of 16 Polar Bears in white wine was “dispensed by the organising committee for lubrication and facilitation, and the people up the hill in Prior, Highcliff, and Eastcliff never knew it was happening……….strangely.

    • Why, thank you!

      You raise some intriguing points. Who were these three people? What is the average weight of a polar bear? How strangely were things happening?

      You strike me as someone with their finger on the pulse. Do stay in touch.


  4. Finger on the pulse my arse!
    In my vast experience of counter-espionage, anyone who remains anonymous, uses way too many “quotation marks” for their own use, and cannot spell the names of the less celubrious areas of town they purport to champion, is, in matter of fact, a charlatan!
    This chap, whilst masquerading as a mere pleb, is, in fact a member of Berwick aristocracy. In a move more cunning than anything in the Da Vinci code, the author is breaking down the missing “E’s” into their component parts to be used as hyphens for use in future diatribes!

    Yours, Anon.

    • How very EXCITING! I am jiggling about in my seat with delight at the very thought that this whole thing could be turned into a movie starring Tom Hanks.

      Now you’ve pointed it out to me it all seems so blindingly obvious. The comment was written in code, no doubt to be intercepted by other members of the Berwick aristocracy who would then ride the town walls on the backs of serfs while blowing a bugle as a summons to arms — hopefully loud enough to be heard in Prior Park, Highcliffe and Eastcliffe.

      I do hope so. I can see the merchandising already.


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