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Weather to quit South for Berwick-upon-Tweed

Weather map of southern gales, NOT The Berwickshire AdvertiserThe weather plans to quit the south of the country and move permanently to a terraced house in Spittal, it can now be revealed.

It is believed that various meteorological events are so demoralised with the Southern attitude to their work that they’ve vowed never to do weather over London and the Home Counties again.

“It’s so discouraging,” said former gale force wind, Zac Richardson. “Looking this windy doesn’t just happen, it takes dedication. You have to eat, sleep and breathe isobars and geostrophic balance for months, with no guarantee that it’s all going to come together on the night. It’s hard bloody graft and I don’t think it’s too much to expect a little appreciation for your efforts. Instead, all I hear from London is righteous dismay at an upturned wheelie bin. I mean, you’re bloody welcome.”

A disgruntled rain squall from the tropics had this to say: “I used to visit Dorset and Hampshire twice a year but I’ve stopped going now. As soon as they saw me they’d squeal like a toddler with its finger trapped in a drawer and I had a news team from South Today dogging my every move. It was mental. Sometimes you just want to live a normal life, y’know?”

Local atmospheric conditions have welcomed the influx of weather phenomena. Berwick-based occluded front, Jonno Jenkins, is optimistic that the town centre will give the depressed weather systems a much needed boost in morale.

“I’m not being placist here — some of my best spates are from Cornwall — but Southerners fundamentally mistrust weather if it threatens the practicality of wearing an Indian-inspired maxi dress from Monsoon or perching sunglasses on top of their head. They’ve never really got over the Ice Age, the poofs.”

“But I think the display of carefree mottled flesh outside Bedrocks on a Saturday night will go a long way to restore faith in humanity’s insouciance towards climate-induced hypothermia.”

Trude Ødegård, a buxom blizzard from Oslo, is a regular visitor to North Northumberland.

“I love it here,” she said. “The people are so appreciative. They struggle through my six-foot snow drifts in strappy sandals and a boob tube, saying things like, ‘F**k me sideways, Mandy, hen. Them’s muckle big icicles, I could stab a gadgie twice over and still have enough left to cool a Jägerbomb.'”

“As a snow-based meteorological manifestation, it’s the stuff of dreams.”

And there’s no doubt that snow has come in for a hard time down South over the last few years as the inhabitants struggle with the idea that frozen water vapour is often cold and can sometimes be slightly inconvenient.

But is there more to this than meets the eye? Is the South simply mentally weak or is there an underlying reason why it reaches for Instagram at the first sign of a hailstone? Researchers at the Berwick Institute for Thinking have spent the last five years looking for an answer.

DNA samples taken from people born in latitudes below that of Luton were compared with those taken from people living in northern latitudes of the country. Scientists were unsurprised to discover that in the Southern samples one of the two strands of biopolymer composing the familiar double helix of DNA turned out to be pink satin ribbon.

Cave painting showing crying cave people“This simply backs up evidence we have from prehistory,” said oldologist Professor Jonty Hardcastle. “A cave painting found in Cheddar Gorge, Somerset, depicts several hunters looking at a pile of snow and bursting into what appear to be big fat girl tears.”

“Compare this to a piece of rock art discovered near Duddo, Northumberland. Dating from around 8000BC, it shows a woolly mammoth in a snow drift being brought to its knees by a punch to the throat from a young woman in a fur bikini as her mates stand around cheering.”

The Met Office today released a statement confirming that the gales which had swept through Southern England earlier this week prompting the BBC to make reference to the Book of Revelation were no worse than a typical summer’s day on Cockleburn beach.

“We keep trying to tell the BBC that weather isn’t worse when it happens to Southerners, but they think we’re making it up to avoid a panic like in The Day After Tomorrow,” a spokesperson revealed.

Evil snowmen from Dr Who

“There’s a culture of weather-fear running through the Corporation, a belief that atmospheric conditions become the embodiment of a sentient evil when they happen to people earning over £30k per annum.”

In the meantime, steady rain is in talks with Berwick Town Council about taking over the running of Spittal Splash Park when the precipitation relocates from Berkshire later this year.


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