The failure to invite a wicked fairy godmother to last Friday’s premiere of Colin Firth’s new film, The Railway Man, at The Maltings Theatre and Cinema in Berwick-upon-Tweed has left the Oscar-winning actor and the town’s 26,000 inhabitants in a deep sleep for a 100 years to be awoken only by a handsome prince with a pure heart.
Despite the enchantment threatening Firth’s contractual obligations for the foreseeable future, Miasma O’Fugg, 637, remains defiant.
“I waited in all feckin week for the postman, so I did. Nothing. I had to put up with Goody Silvermist wafting her invite in my face like she was Tinker-feckin-bell. When I phoned The Maltings to enquire about this obvious oversight, I got some front desk mouth-breather wittering: ‘The screening Mr Firth will be attending is for dignitaries, board members, VIPs and special guests only.’ I stopped her right there. ‘Listen, love,’ I said. ‘I can make your nose implode, your lips wither and turn your fingers into sausages well past their sell-by. I’d say that makes me pretty feckin special. Now give us me feckin invite before I do something we’ll both regret. You possibly more than me.'”
When no invite was forthcoming, Ms O’Fugg is alleged to have stormed from The Maltings muttering under her breath while making esoteric gestures with a pointy stick, widely believed to be a magic wand.
Genevieve Fitzroy, Berwick’s official envelope-opening attendee, had this to say prior to falling into the death-like swoon.
“I’d just collected my invitation to The Railway Man premiere and was feeling pretty damn special when my attention was caught by a fracas over by the Toffee Crisps. An extremely short old lady wearing what appeared to be fancy dress was shouting something like, ‘Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,’ before the receptionist’s fingers inflated to three times their normal size. I didn’t see where the old lady went after that as I was trying to find a bolt-cutter to remove the poor woman’s ringssszzzzzz… zzz…”
The incident prompted an angry soundbite from local worthy, Sir Alan Beith MP. “Such ugly scenes prove that care in the community doesn’t work. Neither does treating everyone as equal when clearly some of us are more equal than others. Check out this invite. Nice, eh?”
When asked why he hadn’t fallen asleep for a 100 years like the rest of the town’s population, Sir Alan replied that he actually was fast asleep but acknowledged that people might find it hard to tell the difference.
It is then further alleged that the foul-mouthed Ms O’Fugg gatecrashed the Q&A session following the screening to execute the enchantment, thus denying audience members the chance of a personal Colin Firth anecdote to be related at some dinner party in the not-too-distant future convened exactly for that purpose.
In response to suggestions that the reason for Ms O’Fugg’s curse-weaving outburst was down to nothing more than jealousy, the shapely magical creature — 36-52-36 — laughed.
“Too feckin right, Einstein. When you’ve been overlooked in favour of people whose only contribution to the world is nice feckin hair, it’s enough to make any fairy godmother get out her Big Book of Bad Bastard Spells.”
But Jonty Hardcastle, Professor of Thaumaturgical Psychology at Heriot-Watt, believes that displays of directional sorcery such as this are in fact coping mechanisms rooted in the limbic system as a way of preserving the psyche from an onslaught of smug social media posting.
“Think of it as a way of nipping things in the bud,” he explained. “Colin Firth is an extremely sexually attractive man which makes him a valuable bragging resource. When you’re two feet tall, spherical and with ovaries more useful as curtain weights, the probability of taking a decent selfie while standing next to such high status DNA is less than zero. Realistically the best you can hope for is a grainy photobomb, and if that’s the case then closing down the opposition may well be the smart thing to do.”
While news of Berwick’s 100-year slumber has caused bemused outrage nationwide, Northumberland County Council admits that the curse will give them some “thinking time”. Jono Jenkins, 19, Director of Trade and Tourism explains:
“A town like Berwick is very difficult to market to the average tourist; its unique part in making British history, the architecture, the links with world-renowned artists, its location in an area of outstanding natural beauty and now this association with international film stars Colin Firth and Nicole Kidman — these all conspire against it becoming a top tourist destination.” He goes on to say: “What Berwick really needs is a bowling alley. We could do something with that.”
As the following day dawned on the snoring town, Ms O’Fugg refuted accusations that she had gone too far.
“Who’s to say how far is too far in matters of the heart? It’s Colin. Feckin. Firth. I even forgave the man Mamma Mia! and Jaysus knows, that was the most fearful shite. But I love the man, and I’ll be here waiting for him when he wakes up. Unless a prince comes and break the spell. Which is highly feckin unlikely. The nearest Berwick has to royalty is Tilda Swinton and she’s a 20-minute car ride away.”
Purchase tickets to see The Railway Man here.