Eurovision winner Conchita Wurst has been drafted in by Northumberland County Council to steer beleaguered Berwick Town Council back from the brink of self-destruction as name-calling reached critical mass at 3.15pm last Thursday afternoon.
A statement issued by Northumberland County Council Leader Grant Davey, Labour, stated:
“Owing to the ongoing dispute between several Berwick Town Councillors, we feel we have no choice but to call upon the services of one who has him/her/whatever-self faced adversity and who will understand the particular concerns of small-minded people who can’t bear to be in close proximity with each other.
We would, of course, have preferred to have dealt with this internally, but we’re far too busy doing important things like stopping the over-16s in rural Northumberland from having an education, education, education.”
On hearing of her first major appointment since winning the Eurovision Song Contest, bearded beauty Conchita, 25, declared:
“For me, my dream came true. But for Berwick it showed me that people want to move on, to look to the future. Wish for the moon and you’ll reach at least the stars. The gutter is no place for dreams. Neither is Bonmarché. This is what I will be teaching Berwick Council in our workshops on fabulosity – dare to dream. And wear lamé. The world is a better place in lamé.”
The first stage of Conchita’s strategy will be getting the Town Council to sit quietly at their desks after lunch with their heads on their arms. This will be followed by a stint sitting cross-legged on the storytelling carpet as Conchita teaches them about how it’s nicer to get on with people.
However, not everyone is convinced her methods will work. A supporter of Councillor Hill, Genevieve Fitzroy, who did not wish to be named, has reservations:
“Look, it’s a nice idea but really how practical is it? There are a lot of people exercising their right to get wound up about stuff. You can’t silence us.”
But in view of all council dealings now taking the form of a prolonged and ugly game of so’s-your-mum, does she not think that dignity is being lost on all sides which might alienate the public even further?
After thinking about this for a moment or two with her lips moving, Fitzroy requested that we shut up because we smelled and she didn’t like us any more.
Jonty Hardcastle, professor at the Berwick Institute of Thinking and author of the seminal coffee table book, The Origins of Axe-Grinding as a Form of Self-Comfort, is not surprised.
“In scientific circles it’s called ‘closure by proxy’, but it’s more commonly known as ‘I’ll hold your coat’. It’s a condition affecting people boiling with rage about some person or event in their past for which they’ve been unable to achieve closure. Their sense of corrosive fury redirects itself towards another focal point, usually one with merit and legitimacy, which then acts as a lightening rod for their thwarted hopes and desires. So, by urging a punch-up in a car park between others, they feel they are receiving satisfaction for past hurts. It’s all terribly Jungian and fucked up.”
With such behaviour evident in both councillors and supporters alike, Professor Hardcastle is doubtful of a reconciliation.
“These poor creatures are even known to turn on their own, like hippopotamuses at a family get-together. They’re now so blinded by emotion that logic has become another bitter casualty, like my wish for a market without three stalls of hi-vis work wear. ”
But sultry songstress Conchita remains upbeat.
“I really dream of a council where it’s not about your political persuasion or personal antipathies. I will really show that we are all part of the same family, not of separate communities. I know it sounds cheesy but we are one! Let’s make Berwick more like me, more fabulous! Let’s all rise like a phoenix!”