5 Comments

Northumbria Police Give High Street Hit-and-Run the Christmas Go Ahead

shoe lying in rain drenched gutterNorthumbria Police Chief Constable, Genevieve Fitzroy, has reassured motorists in Berwick-upon-Tweed that they will not be prosecuted for knocking over pedestrians in the run-up to Christmas.

In a statement issued yesterday morning, Ms Fitzroy said:

“As a gesture of seasonal goodwill to all those who find themselves behind the wheel in the run-up to Christmas, I have instructed my officers to refrain from arresting any motorist who is forced to defend his or her road space against pedestrians who have no business being there.

While we will of course extend our sympathy to the friends and relatives of involved jaywalkers – deceased or otherwise – our first priority must be to uphold the motorist’s right to defend his paintwork.

I am particularly anxious to quell the confusion that has arisen from Northumberland County Council’s decision to reinstate parking along Marygate, which might have given pedestrians the notion that they can step out into traffic without looking, as usual, but now with the added frisson of doing so from between parked cars. This is not the case. Anyone found darting into the road and then reaching the other side via a half-hearted jog will be cautioned, fined and sent on a Green Cross Code refresher course.

It is only right and proper that I acknowledge when policing has fallen short of legitimate expectations and responsibilities. If not, we would neither justify the confidence all communities have in us today nor prove our genuine willingness to learn. By this token of commonsense policing, Northumbria Police wishes you all a very merry Christmas.”

The statement has been received with relief from motorists in towns around the country, towns whose high street, like Berwick, are engineered to create as many hazards for the driver as possible, thus giving the pedestrian ample opportunity to be killed in an achingly mundane manner.

Keen bonnet-crumpler Jono Jenkins, 17¼, from Duddo posted:

NOT The Berwickshire AdvertiserBut not everyone is pleased with the decision. Clare Strong, who has spent the past 15 years running a lucrative business producing blame targeted at other people, has reacted strongly.

“This is just another move nearer to a police state. It’s a basic human right to be free to eat enough macaroni pies so your upper arms can clip wing mirrors as you walk down the street. My feet are on the pavement, so it’s a clear case of habeus corpus carpet diem squid pro quo. If any other part of my body decides to swing out over the road that’s not to say I’m asking for injury, and anyone who says I am should stop being so judgmental. I love myself and if I express that by shoulder-barging oncoming traffic, how is that anybody’s business? But if I do accidentally get injured, I have a right to be paid for it and paid well. I love my kids. Calypso facto.”

Extreme kerb-sport enthusiast, Zac Richardson, has his doubts that Northumbria Constabulary’s decision is in the best interests of pedestrians.

“While I can see there is some sort of logic behind this announcement – for instance, to encourage the free flow of road traffic along Marygate which has slowed to the extent that cars are being abandoned mid-journey in the style of a zombie apocalypse – I fear it will act as a deterrent to pedestrians who would like to explore the extent of their balance on one foot on an ice-splintered kerb stone while they simultaneously smoke, hold an animated conversation with an ugly friend, and spit into the road. And that, my friend, is an infringement not just of civil liberties but of creative expression.”

More disturbingly, whispers behind closed doors are intimating that Northumberland County Council is delighted at Ms Fitzroy’s decision. A source claims that the council may view the policy as a way of thinning out the sick, old and slow-moving, thus easing pressure on vital services throughout the county. This accusation has been refuted by a council spokesperson.

“To say that we deliberately wish to maim or even kill members of the public is frankly abhorrent – worse, it’s misleading. While we recognise that it is irritating for drivers when some dithering old fogey crosses in front of them with no warning other than a cheerily waved newspaper, this is not the same as encouraging vehicle-led social engineering. Think – that’s somebody’s granddad who, fingers crossed, could go on for another ten or fifteen years requiring a holiday every winter in a cosy NHS bed looking adorably vulnerable at enormous cost.”

Despite these protestations from the council, there is a growing number of frustrated motorists who believe Christmas has come early.

“Bring it on,” grinned Jonty Hardcastle, adjusting his open knuckle driving gloves. “What with unofficial crossing points, recklessly placed bollards, a funfair attraction at a junction, a higher-than-average number of Greggosaurus and a road so narrow you’d be lucky to get a greased fart down it, short-term parking is just what every motorist needs to ensure they get human flesh tangled in their alloys this Christmas. Thank you, Northumbria Police. Thank you.”

NOT The Berwickshire Advertiser

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.

 

 

 

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5 comments on “Northumbria Police Give High Street Hit-and-Run the Christmas Go Ahead

  1. Motorists get all the fun in Berwick, it is time the non-motorised hit back. We need a mass sit in on Marygate of toddler toting buggy pushing young mums, we need a manned barricade of supermarket trolleys sealing off the Castlegate car park, a linked chain, or chain-linked bicycles closing off all access roads, and all those in favour of short term parking in Marygate should be made to lie head to toe along the un-upgraded A1 to see how far they go. Either that or be made to cross and re-cross Marygate until they get knocked down.

    • Hi Brenda

      I like how you think — creative, yet subtly sadistic. It would be fun to make the short-term parkers play chicken with their fellow motorists but I have a horrible feeling that they’re so lazy they’d buggy-jack a passing toddler.

      Chastity x

  2. Why all the fuss about a few jaywalkers being skittled? Far more dire things for the oppressed folk of Berwick to worry about: new Government Stats show that Brit-un achieved record temperatures this year and that the World is on the log slope to 3deg. meltdown. And anyhow the way the Yanks (peace be upon them) are preparing to (allegedly) Nuke poor old Vladimir and what with Bulmer being just down the road, and we, poor souls, being upwind and the Soviet (sorry Russian) nukes being rather efficient, well, ‘we will all fry together when we fry!’ (ah what happy Cold-War memories that song recalls!) and with all this TTIP business and what with coal-bed methane lurking and waiting to be robbed (sorry, fracked) and the chance of a rather nasty ‘gloop’ resulting in a very big bang that will certainly make the Herring Gulls poop themselves and probably some Councillors also, so it all rather makes a few of the unstreetwise being carted of to (very) distant A&Es a bit irrelevant innit? And speaking of Bangs – whatever happened to the Berwick one? Bit like the recent one ‘down the road’ in God’s Own Country. Gives one pause about widening the A1! But ‘not done’ to talk about either ‘old man!’. And talking about not mentioning things, what about the recent spate of Berwick ‘UFO’ sightings then? One girt orange thing seen hovering over the ‘Cobbled Yard at 0300hrs a short while ago? At least it shut the b….y gulls up for a couple of hours. Skittling advice: buy a Soviet (sorry, Russian) car-cam so you can record the fun and also prove your complete innocence in court! Also handy for recording errant UFOs if you are taken to prowling around in the small hours – all the fuzz cars have them (allegedly) but they seldom prowl around nowadays as the staff canteen is warm and cosy (allegedly) which brings me to the final point that as our wonderful Government have just (officially) pointed out that Northumberland fuzz are somewhat reticent about recording crime (allegedly, dear Mz Commissioner), one might as well declare ‘open season’ on jaywalkers and the dim and inattentive and have some sport!
    PS what are all these little white dots floating about? My glass or two of Genuine Herbal Russsian Vodka Guaranteed Distilled in the Middle of a Soviet Birchwood ain’t got any bits of those spotted red mushrooms you get in the non-export stuff over there! And, it don’t usually snow indoors unless something’s blown the roof off. I’ll try giving the laptop a shake and see if it flurries . . .

    • Dearest Yokel

      I know a very good therapist. But you probably feel better now you’ve got all that off your chest.

      Chastity x

      PS: Little white dots? I’m sure I have no idea what you mean. I suggest visiting your ophthalmologist; white dots are the first sign of macular degeneration, I hear. All that vodka may be making you blind.

  3. Therapist my deary? I’ve a bookcase (full) of Carl Gustav Jung! And Freud, and Adler, and Laing! Now, as for the white dots I’ve saved ’em on my iMac and seen what they’re up to (having sandboxed first, of course!) All very interesting indeed teehee! Hope you have some seriously good anti-virus/rootkit/bot/keylogger/snoopware/&c. . . . B.B. is certainly watching . . . (and others. . .).

    Now, For the kind and gentle and innocent in Berwick (and there are many, sadly, not suited to this horrid and cynical age):- Amanita Muscara is a rather interesting mushroom oft found in Birchwoods (even in the UK) and much favoured by the Russ (and fairies, bless ’em) as it makes life (almost) tolerable for little cost (Vodka is very cheap there, you see, and Fly Agaric is free) so it helps poor Ivan to stand the strain and have pretty pictures an all . . . .

    Spots? Poor dear, If you really can’t see them on you’r (presumed) Gatesware; either: a. buy a Mac; b. buy some (new) spectacles, or c. try a new ‘substance of choice’! These comments meant (obviously) by way of human kindness.

    Soon it will snow, and then one can quietly freak whilst alles still in das Weinacht and little spotty things (stationary and volatile) waft gently by. . . .

    PS One notes the desecration of the TREES around the walls (i.e ‘Pollarding’). Who be getting all the free an gratis FIREWOOD then? Just in time for Christmas/Xmas/Wintervall/Yule etc. (don’t want to offend the P.C. lot do I?). Someone will have warm and cheery tootsies for a few weeks an all, innit?

    Custom was in my ancient, soggy, and pagan part of the world, it were the poor an humble old peasants/pheasants (?) wot got the ‘Winter Fuell (wot wos gathered in). How times do change me dears! Poor, poor old widderwomen only having GCH nowadays . . . you do see?

    Better go now an phone up me old Prof. for analysis before me brian explodes . . .

    Somerset Yokel

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