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Cannabis Blamed for Council Plan for Key Sites

Northumberland County Council logo with cannabis leafThe liberal use of cannabis amongst Northumberland County Councillors has been blamed for the rise of increasingly bizarre thought showers emanating from Morpeth, it is claimed.

The pungent herbal matter, often used as pain relief for the terminally ill, is believed to create a heightened sense of euphoria, leading users to surmise that every thought passing through their THC-saturated brain is worthy of a Nobel Prize for Science, Peace or Literature if only they had the energy and enough cheesy Wotsits to see it through.

Suspicions regarding Council-sanctioned marijuana use first surfaced following a Council meeting last February when Romanian hygiene wipeologist, Clare Strong, put in a requisition for an extra roll of bin liners to clear away a pile of empty Dorito packets so large in a scale that it resembled an Antony Gormley installation.

“I tick little box on supply form, always conscious that I am stealing jobs from the British. I check that I am pressing hard enough so tick appears on top copy and pink, yellow and blue copies for Finance Department, in addition to orange, green and purple copies for Admin. Red copy I am naturally keeping for myself because I probably turn out to be Communist in spare time I am not sending money home to my many, many Muslim babies.”

Tapestry elephant cushionsEtsy vendor, GinghamBlueCheese, also expressed concern on her lifestyle blog when she received an order for 50 handwoven organic tapestry floor cushions from her “Elephant” range. The delivery address stated County Hall, marked for the attention of “The Leader of Love, Grant Davey the Rave” in shaky handwriting. And in The Financial Times only this week, Procter & Gamble put its increased share valuation down to NCC buying up its entire stock of Febreze.

Residents of Berwick-upon-Tweed have become increasingly puzzled over recent planning decisions made for their town that at best seem the faltering design scribbles of a giant toddler, and at worst of a congenital mouth-breather suffering from acute encephalitis contracted in hospital while being treated for severe head trauma.

Long-time mad person, Zac Richardson, said: “To be honest, I’m angry. I didn’t choose to be barking, in the same way the Traffic Cone God, Kthonana, didn’t choose to wage war in the Badlands of Bollard – it just happened. I find it insensitive to proper basket cases like me that Northumberland County Council are electing to make decisions that have no basis in rational thinking. Their pseudo-psychosis is mocking those genuinely struggling with the problem of ten-tentacled cat overlords. Rest assured, I’m going to write to my Space Federation rep about it.”

While the Walkergate Scandal has dominated headlines in recent months, some opine that this is merely the top of very large, retarded iceberg, an opinion bolstered by the revelation that the Council plans to relocate some of their services to The Maltings Theatre & Cinema.

“I mean, WTF?” said Genevieve Fitzroy, a committed non-swearer from Wooler. “What the actual f**k? Will I have to pay my Council Tax in the form of interpretive dance? What if I can’t dance; will I be fined?”

“I’m worried that when I come to complain about my noisy neighbour, I’ll run into him and his sweaty wife as they go into to see Roy Chubby Brown,” said Jono Jenkins, a retired geranium propagator from Highcliffe. “Talk about awkward.”

However, benefit claimant Sue Finch believes the move could open a door onto a new career. “I mean, I’ve always suspected I’ve got acting talent. But begging for Job Seeker’s Allowance in front of a live audience could be the big break I’ve been looking for.”

“I’m not sure how it will work,” said social worker, Shania Wilkinson, chairperson of local pressure group, Freedom for Fence Sitters (FFS).”But what we have to consider is the well-being of both parties, and pledge that both parties are heard. There is no good, there is no bad; there just is, and within that is-ness is the way. And in this way, a workable resolution can be found that will take us forward to some future point of advancement later on. Namaste.”

Matthew Rooke, Chief Executive and Artistic Director of The Maltings, was unavailable for comment. Insiders report that he has locked himself in the theatre basement in order to compose a modernist symphony informed by bitter, impotent rage to be performed on a single triangle.

Professor Jonty Hardcastle, Head of the Department of Applied Stupidity at Del Monte University and author of the acclaimed academic paper, “Morons and Cretins – Their Place in Local Government”, explains that cannabis use is endemic amongst councillors.

“Because they lack a soul, councillors are essentially animated meat puppets. This makes them vulnerable when called upon to make a decision involving creative thinking. The only way they can access a semblance of imagination is by partaking in some serious bong sessions under the guise of extraordinary meetings. While consequent thoughts may indeed seem extraordinarily doable at the time, in reality the world has no use for a carpet sweeper made from butterflies.

Guy in suit smoking bong

Councillor working out the finer details of key sites for Berwick

“Take this week’s issue of the Tizer. Stung by alleged allegations of wrongdoing over the Walkergate Scandal, the Council has flung at it every last stoner thought they’ve ever had, including the really bad ones that couldn’t look good even if you drew them on a flip chart in coloured marker pen with little circles over the i’s.

“This is your classic distraction technique, a clumsy form of temporary defence, much as the guy in the wheelchair is the draw for alligators in an Everglades-plane-crash scenario. He may buy time, but we all know no one gets out alive.

“What our elected pot-heads have failed to realise is that presenting this press release as independent reporting makes them look desperate. As does the use of the phrase ‘joined up services’.”

But Professor Hardcastle believes there is still comfort to be had.

“If Northumberland County Council carries on dropping ten bags at their current rate, the chances are it will throw a massive whitey and pass out, thus preventing further damage to the town. It’s what happened to the SNP. If they hadn’t inhaled they’d probably be running their own country by now. This is natural selection at its best.”

 

 

 

 

 

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5 comments on “Cannabis Blamed for Council Plan for Key Sites

  1. Excellent reporting again. But, you have fooled nobody. That is not Matthew on the triangle video! Pretty catchy though whoever he is!

  2. Oh my deity!
    Madam, your cultivation of such a diverse network of whistleblowers is a credit to investigative journalism, I am ever thankful your reputation has not been sullied by any form of phone hacking scandal.
    I am slightly concerned that you may have been standing downwind of County Hall for too long during the research for this report as you failed to mention the planned relocation of the entire council may have something to do with the better quality and quantity of ‘skunky pot weed’ available in Ashington.
    I suggest you drink an Ovaltine, have a lie down in a darkened room and listen to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

  3. ‘Benefit claimant Sue Finch’ oh Chastity. 😀

  4. This information may be ‘commercially sensitive’ from the point of view of NotBad, but I would love to know: does anybody outside Berwick read this blog, and if so, what on earth do they make of it ??

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